A Critial History of Turk hits

Introduction
The so called "Turk hits", a juvenile Internet phenomenon of the early 21st century, has recently had a quite surprising comeback among certain groups of intellectuals. We of Swedish Technology weren't late to discover this trend. As I did some further research, I was surprised to find that no critical study of Turk hits has ever been carried out. Below I present the result of several months of research and critical thinking. Hopefully, this will prove a useful resource for future Turkhitsologists.

A disclaimer
Some might argue that the list-arranged nature of this article hardly qualifies it as science. I beg to disagree. I have chosen to present the results of my research as a list, since this makes it much more blog-friendly. All facts and statements presented are the results of rigorous analysis.

#5. Uncle Banana 82 - "Ull i min soffa" (2000)
A controversial choice, some might think, though it is my firm belief that this is one of those rare masterpieces which it will take some time or people to discover. Naysayers will argue that the song's only merit is the animations. Granted, Ull i min soffa is accompanied by what is perhaps the greatest animations of any Turk hit, but it is far richer than that. Who can forget such immortal phrases as "En bit lövbiff. En bit lövbiff. En bit lövbiff. En bit lövbiff." or "Väldigt ren! Ouäääää!!!"? It is alway nice when the authors of Turk hits are forced to invent new words. How much poorer would not the Swedish language be without the verb "att walla ner"? We are without a doubt dealing with poets of the first order. However, the one most memorable line of the song belongs in the Pantheon of Turk hits, namely "Ull i min soffa är grejer sa de" [roughly translated as "wool in my couch is the thing, they said"]. How true. Who is anyone to argue with "them"?

#4. Alleks and Robbo - "Sarrmajjan" (2003?)
It truly hurts me to see how far down the list this song has fallen. Only a couple of months back this was, to my eyes, the undisputed masterpiece of Turk hits, towering far above all others. But alas, times change. For one thing, I could not foresee the Indian monster which would push aside his Arabian sister (see next entry). Also, I was probably underestimating a few classics.

However, considering the wealth of Turk hits, a 4th place is by no means something to be ashamed of. Quite to the contrary, Sarrmajjan is, to make it brief, quite simply a masterpiece. After a rather slow start ("biiiiil/Gunde gillar Lars sen sista/Jag ska nu ge nästa regi/Ser du in här se in/När dé é synd/ser ni Sarr-maja/då går Jari typ/ner nääääär/"), things sure get going, in what is without a doubt the best flow in any Turk hit ("Det blir guldmenyn/Ja då arme du/Det blir guldmadam/Eller hur senil/Har du käk med dig/Medicin med dig/etc").

Despite these masterful lines, the song does have a drawback, and one that is bigger than one might initially be inclined to think. The animations are poor. Really poor, like virtually non-existant. Had Sarrmajjan been accompanied by animations of the same calibre as those of Ull i min soffa instead of the despicable abstract crap which is now present, it would indeed, at least to this observer, mark the high point in the history of the phenomenon.

#3. Sonadar9(?) - "Dålig mat" (2007?)
He appeared out of nowhere, effetively eliminating most of the contestors, like a nucler explosion. The discovery of Dålig mat introduced a new paradigm of Turk hits, succesfully destabilizing the previous era of Middle Eastern dominance. For this was a beast of Indian origin, perhaps the area where a breakthrough was the least expected.

Superficially a mere Bollywood rendering of Michael Jackson's Thriller (the music, by the way, is far superior to that of the original), once you dig a bit deeper, Dålig mat is far more than that. While this setting does insure a few hilarities (just imagine an Indian take on the black, white, male, female, young and old zombie!) the real treasures are to be found, as usual, in the subtleties of language. The first shout of "Dålig maaaaaat!" comes across as rather surprising, but then it leads up to the far more shocking, though nevertheless profound truth that "Killar killar killar/Gillar gillar gillar/Dålig mat". While the protagonist of Dålig mat is at times far from eloquent (what the hell is "Cash mora kaka lite igen/Sjyst jag får" supposed to mean?), he makes up for this with a few short but striking phrases, the supreme examples of which are the powerful "NU SER VI HÄR", and the odd "Morgan bor där mormor sa". Taking the protagonist's look and his ability to dance in consideration as well, it should hardly come as a surprise that Dålig mat is awarded the highly prestigious no. 3 spot.

#2. Anonymous - "Fiskpinnar" (2003?)
At a mere 45 seconds, this is by far the briefest entry on our list. It is also the most intense. The title is very promising on its own (one of the oldest tricks of the trade is to make reference to things very Swedish in character, i.e. the "Gunde" and "Lars" of Sarrmajjan) and the song sure does deliver. "Ja slyna", the singer begins, then going on to state what is most likely his dinner of choice: "Några fiskpinnar". "Vem är du?", the singer rhetorically asks. The answer is obvious. "Kannibal". He then returns to the character of "slynan", perhaps his wife. "Ja slynan bar schalett". So far so good. However: "ja slynan bär overall". Shocking indeed! She has changed her Islamic veil for the secular overall, certainly not befitting the wife of such a grand patriarch! Having been provoked by his wife in such a fashion, the singer is then, quite confusingly, found in an ecstatic state of mind: "Halleljuah! Aah det är fiskpinnar" We may never know what accounts for this change, and the last line certainly doesn't shed any light on the question: "Jag måste välja samuraj". This, one of the most enigmatic lines in all Turk hits, has inspired numerous commentators, none of them coming up with a plausible solution. It remains a mystery, and this is perhaps where its greatness resides.

#1. Patrik Nyberg, Johan Gröndahl and Pet Bagge - "Hatten är din" (2000)
If you are in any way familiar with Turk hits, you should have expected this winner. What can I say? Surprises are nice, though this particular choice should be pretty unarguable. Hatten är din set the standard for all future Turk hits with regards to anything from animations to lyrics to the song itself. Who could possibly forget the passionate cry of the bearded man (Åååååhhh-åhåhåhå), or the energetic dancing crowd (Lalalalalala...)? These are perhaps some of the foremost artistic achievements of the early 21st century. The genius of Hatten är din resides in a delicate blend of all aspects, not found in any other Turk hit. Unlike Ull i min soffa or Sarrmajjan, exceling in animations and lyrics respectively, Hatten är din is a masterwork with regards to both of these factors. On top of this, Hatten är din is also great considered as music qua music, regardless or lyrcal or animated content. It is a sublime unity of this trinity, reaching its peak in the following line, repeated twice: "Välte hatten i Berts cola au lait". Rarely has an Internet phenomenon been so moving.

And, perhaps being aware of its genius, the song comments on itself: "Alla vet varför och allt blir perfekt".

With that, we leave the are of Turk hits. I hope you've learned something.

/Aron